Adventures in Babysitting

by CCL

Riddick walked up to the residence confident. He skillfully dodged the numerous toys and yard debris that blocked the entryway and bounded up the steps with ease. He rapped on the door lightly and grinned at the frazzled woman who appeared behind the glass.

"Thank god you were free!"

CC flung the door open and ushered him inside. She just as quickly turned her back on him and went zipping off to one end of the house. Riddick noticed as she hobbled that the young woman had on one shoe and the other foot was still bare.

"I'm not free, just available for a few hours," he called to her. He glanced around at the strewn toys that seemed to reach from the kitchen down the hallways to a series of closed doors. Suddenly one of those toys moved and walked towards him.

CC breezed back into the living room, now wearing both shoes and dragging a large hair brush through her hair, stopping briefly to yank on a tangle that wouldn't budge. She chuckled when she saw Riddick surveying the damage.

"Yes, the house is a mess. Yes, I need to pick it all up. And no, it doesn't do me any good 'cause she's just gonna drag them all out again."

Riddick snapped his head up at her babbling.

"What? I was looking at that." He pointed to the moving toy and took a step back, still uncertain on what it was exactly.

"Oh! That's Boo. My cat. Don't kill it. Minnie is around here somewhere, but she usually hides when strangers are in the house, so you shouldn't have any trouble. Basically they ignore you if you ignore them."

Riddick looked at the babbling woman and laughed. She babbled more than any of the women he'd met in the Art of Vin Diesel chat room. She always seemed to be running around like her hair was on fire. Much like she was doing right now.

His eyes followed her and she rambled through cabinets and set things out on the counter. Periodically she'd freeze in her tracks and scrunch her face up like she was in pain, her lips moving but not really saying anything. Then, before he could ask what was wrong, she'd take off again traveling in the opposite direction.

Riddick decided the best place for him would be to sit down in the worn blue recliner. It was located in the corner of the living room and seemed safely out of her frantic travel route.

"Okay! Things you need to know before I leave! No long distance. Basically, unless you can get the neighbors to come and help you, you're cut off from the rest of the world. No one knows you're here. No one will save you. Okay?"

Riddick chuckled and looked at the woman. There was extreme static electricity built up in her hair from all the pacing and running around and she looked like she's stuck her finger in an electric socket. Her arms were loaded down with various bags of clothing, snacks, and reading material. He realized he didn't even know why she'd called him.

"Okay. I'm on my own. Where the hell are you going?"

"Oh yeah! To see mom. She's got the munchies, AGAIN! So I'm gonna drop off her laundry, deliver some supplies and food, and then I've got to take hubby some stuff for work. I just don't know how long I'm going to be, since I'm leaving so late and all. Is that cool, Riddick? Letty said she'd be available after 10 tonight. Her number is by the phone if you can't wait around for me."

"Shouldn't be a problem. So where is the kid?" Riddick craned his neck to look behind him. All he saw were the toys and two cats. No little girl.

"Sleeping at the moment. She's taking a late nap, but she should be up in about 30 minutes or so. Don't wake her. Let her wake up on her own. Trust me!" CC arched her eyebrows for emphasis and waited for Riddick to turn back to look at her before continuing. At his nod, she launches into a very long speech.

"Now, when she wakes up, you need to change her diaper. Diapers are in the diaper bag that is sitting on the counter in the kitchen. Wipes are on top of the entertainment center there." She points at the green box that is sitting on the corner.

"Okay I can handle that."

"Good! Next comes dinner. Tonight since I'm leaving in such a rush and she's had a good lunch, just fix a peanut butter sandwich. No jelly or you'll regret it. The peanut butter is also on the counter and the bread is on top of the microwave. Got it?"

"Got it."

"Her juice cup is next to the fridge. She'll tell you what she wants to drink. Just give her which ever juice she pulls out. But no tea! Hubby has her hooked on iced tea and I'm trying to break her of it."

"No problem. Wait, the kid can talk?"

CC's groan made Riddick frown. "What? I never said I was experienced! And you said it was short notice!"

"Yes, Riddick, she can talk. She can also walk and get into a heap of trouble in less than 2 minutes. Don't take your eyes off her! Now where was I?"

Riddick nodded. "Juice?"

"Yeah! Juice! No tea! After she eats, she can play in her room or the living room with whatever toys she wants. The video tape of Caillou is broken so if she asks for that just tell her he's sleeping. Lord knows I've used that excuse 20 times today and she's still buying it."

Riddick nodded again and then leaned to focus on the computer sitting in the corner of the kitchen. "That thing work?"

CC followed his goggled eyes and laughed when she realized what he was talking about. "Of course. Double click high-speed download. Then just double click the explorer icon. You can surf to your hearts content."

"Great! So is that it? This kid sounds like she needs a manual."

CC rolled her eyes.

"All two year olds need manuals. And if you find one... email it to me, okay? Now. At eight o'clock it's bath time. Nine o'clock is bedtime. Her jammies are right here," she placed the tiny white items on the back of a chair and turned back to the entertainment center as she picked up several safety pins. "And these are to pin her clothes closed. Just dress her like you'd dress yourself. It's not hard. One pin per side and one front and back. Then you lay her in the crib, turn off the light and shut the door. It's as simple as that."

Riddick watched her shoulders visibly slump as she exhaled a long breath. Hell, he'd be winded too if he'd just spouted all that off.

"CC, scram! I can do this! I survived the night freaks and Johns. What is Sam gonna do that I can't handle?"

CC cast a wary glance at the large man before she grabbed her keys. "Just don't tear the house down before I get back, okay? I'll see you soon!" With that said, she pulled the door shut and got in her car.

Riddick chuckled and settled back into the recliner, absently flipping through channels on the television. A sound caught his attention that he couldn't place. He pressed mute and waited patiently. There is was again. He looked around and saw the two fluffy felines. They were both snoozing on a pile of laundry. He stood and moved towards the series of closed doors. The first one he opened and saw a huge fish tank. There was a gurgling noise coming from this room, but it wasn't the sound he was looking for. Cautious, he moved to the next door. A low rumbling emanated from behind this one and when he opened it the warm air that rushed out carried the scent of laundry detergent. Duh, Riddick, it's the dryer you heard. So that leaves door number three.

With a determined walk, he moved to the third door and flung it open wide. All of his senses were assaulted. There, standing buck naked in the middle of her crib, was Sam.


A small dirty hand waved at Riddick but he didn't see it. He was focused on the spots behind her. Another sniff and he knew what it was. 'Fuck!' He groaned and walked towards the toddler not missing that her entire body was pretty much covered with the stuff.

"Hi yourself, kid. You get bored while you were napping?"

"Uh huh!"

"Great. Let's get you cleaned up."

'CC you owe me for this. No... you'll owe me for the rest of your life for this!' He looked for a semi clean place to put his hands so he could pick her up. Then he held her a good distance away from his body as he swung around to deposit her on the floor. As soon as her feet hit the carpet she was gone.


"Hey, wait! Come back here!"

Riddick lumbered after the toddler and nearly tripped on a strategically placed stuffed animal. He grabbed for the wall to catch himself and managed to untangle his feet before following her path into the living room. He found her sitting on the previously mentioned laundry petting the cats and smiled. 'Cute kid. Now I wonder where CC keeps the cleaning stuff?'

Riddick left Sam playing with the cats and rambled around the kitchen cabinets. Once he mastered the child safety locks things moved much faster. He was able to grab a bucket and some Lysol from under the sink and the 3 drawers eventually provided a clean rag that he could scrub with.

After filling the bucket half full, Riddick dragged his cargo back to Sam's room and smiled at the little girl when he passed her. 'This shouldn't take long.'

Thirty five minutes later Riddick finally finished scrubbing the walls. Now he needed a shower. It dawned on him that something didn't seem right when he walked by the pile of laundry, but he couldn't remember what it was he'd forgotten. He moved into the kitchen and dumped the dirty water down the drain. He scrubbed his own hands and looked around, still unsure at to what was out of place. When his eyes spied the juice cup, his senses went on full alert again.


No answer.


Still no answer.

A faint scent of apple drifted past his nose and Riddick decided to follow it. He carefully retraced his steps back to Sam's room but didn't see the toddler there. He checked the laundry room but the door was still shut and he didn't think she was tall enough to open it. 'What the hell do you know, Riddick? You thought she'd be safe playing with the cats!'

As Riddick neared the blue recliner, the smell of apples got stronger. He got down on his knees to crawl behind the chair and suddenly realized where Sam was. More to the point, he realized what she was doing.

Riddick lifted a hand that was covered in apple scented blue goo. Sam had a nearly empty bottle in her hand that, if his eyes were right, still held a few drops of similar goo. Quickly he grabbed the bottle away and read the label.

"Apple scented flea and tick shampoo for cats. Great!"

The blue-eyed devil sat covered in the nasty mess as was a good deal of CC's beige carpet.

Riddick sat there for a moment contemplating what would be the best plan of attack. 'The kid's covered in shampoo. She needs a bath. And she's supposed to take one anyway in an hour.' A large grin spread across his features as he climbed to his feet.

He made short work of running some lukewarm bath water. He even tossed in all the little water toys he saw lying helpless beside the tub. Rubbing his hands together enthusiastically, he called out for the little hellion.

"Sam? You wanna play in the tub for awhile while I do some cleaning?"


The smile left his face instantly.

"What? You don't want to go play with your rubber ducky in the tub? He's awful lonesome in there."


"C'mon, Sam. Time for a bath. Now."

Her bottom lip began to tremble even as her blue eyes started to swim with unshed tears. At first the cries were soft, more like a whimpering. But as he watched helpless, CC's words came back to him. 'No one knows you're here. No one will save you.' Riddick reached out with shaking hands and lifted the now red-faced screaming girl and carried her quickly into the bathroom and plopped her unceremoniously into the tub of water. The cries died instantly.

"I gonna pway in da wata?"


"I gonna pway in da wata wif my boat?" Her tiny hands held up the purple piece of plastic and finally Riddick understood. Nodding, he answered her.

"Yeah, baby, you play in the water with your boat. But no more messes now. I've got to go clean up your last mess!"

Riddick sighed aloud as he refilled his bucket and grabbed another clean rag. He kneeled down behind the chair and began to scrub at the blue goo. After 20 minutes he gave up. The beige carpet was now a white foamy mess and his bucket and rag were filled with soap suds.

"Fuck it. CC can bill me for the carpet cleaning."

Once again he trekked into the kitchen to dump out the bucket and discard his rag. 'Oh shit! Sam!'

He all but ran down the hall to the bathroom and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw her sitting patiently in the tub, quietly playing with her toys. He smiled and moved to step on the lino.

The sound of his combat boots squeaking on the floor made him halt his movements.

He looked down and studied the floor for a minute and then carefully stepped closer so he could examine the water level in the tub. There had been about and inch and half of water in there when he put her in. The stopper was still in place so it hadn't drained out. 'FUCK!'

"Sam, did you dump your bath water on the floor?"

"Uh huh!," she replied with an enthusiastic nod of her head. Her grin of satisfaction was priceless but Riddick was beyond amused.



"Cause why?"

Her giggle made him roll his eyes. Now what was he gonna clean this mess up with? 'Laundry!'

He walked back to the pile of laundry and scooped it up. Then carefully laid out the dirty sheets, obviously taken from Sam's bed by the smell, and laid them out one at a time across the slippery surface. He slid around with them under his feet, trying his best to mop up as much water as possible before he kicked them aside and settled down to finish Sam's bath.

But what was he gonna wash her with?

"Rag?" came the child's voice.


She pointed at the only cabinet in the room, and Riddick smiled when he found clean towels and wash cloths hidden inside. He snatched up one of each and turned to face his nemesis.

"How does your mommy do this?"

"Stand up, stand up, stand up!"

Riddick watched in amazement as the child stood up and held still. He grabbed some soap and lathered the cloth, rubbing the soapy material over her body in unsure strokes. She never moved until he worked his way down to her legs, then she sat and lifted each foot in turn.

"At least I can be thankful you know how this goes, huh?"


Riddick looked at her long brown hair for a moment and frowned. 'Do kids have shampoo? Course they do, but where is it?' A quick glance and he saw the pump bottle sitting where the toys had been. He flipped it over in his hand and read the directions, then squirted some in his hand and tackled her hair.

Sam continued to sit still under his novice hands. When there was a significant amount of white suds in her hair, Riddick dipped his hands in the water and searched for a way to get rid of the soap. 'How does somebody rinse off a kid? Hose? Nah... too cold. Shower? Maybe...

A small clear plastic cup drifted by as if on a cue and Riddick plucked it from the water.

"Gonna rinse me off?"

"Yup! Gonna rinse you off, Sam. Hold still now and close your eyes."

He made quick work of scooping up water and dumping it on her head. After several long minutes it appeared that all the soap was gone and Riddick was thrilled. His back was starting to hurt from being hunched over and all he wanted was to get her dressed and to her real toys so maybe Sam would stop making messes for him to clean up.

He yanked the plug out and decided to just let the toys drain in the tub. Then he got a good grip on Sam's slippery body and lifted her out. The big blue bath towel seemed to swallow her whole, but Sam pulled it tight against her body and took off before Riddick could even question what to do next.

"Hey come back here!"

Riddick stood up and the muscles in his back screamed at the movement. "Ahhhhh!" He reached around to rub them even as he stumbled out the door after Sam.

As he rounded the corner into the living room, he found her lying on her back on the towel, as still as a mouse. Riddick smiled in gratitude to the babysitting gods. 'Thank you!'

The diaper wasn't hard to find. Getting it on her was a bit tricky. His fingers were just too big for those tiny tapes. Or maybe he was too strong. It took three before he stopped ripping them off the diaper entirely. Another two before he figured out how to put them on Sam's wiggly bottom. The clothes were the easiest, since even he still remembered that you get dressed one leg at a time.

He scooped up the now clean Sam and carried her into the kitchen. Sam waited while he deposited her in her booster seat and made her dinner. 'So the order is a bit off, no big deal, right?' The sandwich took no time to prepare and as he placed it in front of Sam he didn't try to hide his satisfied smile. It left just as fast as it arrived. 'Shit! I have to change her bed!'

Sam sat and ate her sandwich with no fuss. She lifted it and took small bites so he felt safe leaving her to go in search of a clean crib sheet.

"Eat your dinner, I'll be right back."


Riddick trudged back to Sam's room and began to look for her sheets. His search of the dresser proved fruitless. The closet had only one and it was still in the package it came in.

"Screw it, the kid's gotta have clean sheets."

He pulled the crib away from the wall and wrestled with the gangly mattress for a long time before he finally figured out how to get the dirty sheet off and the clean sheet on. But the smell was still in the room. A peek at the floor behind the crib told him all he needed to know and he ambled back to the closet and pulled out CC's vacuum cleaner. Thirty minutes later he had vacuumed the floor and the room smelled somewhat better.

"Better go check on Sam."

Too tired to bother with putting the vacuum up, Riddick shoved the closet door closed and walked back into the kitchen. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw her.

"Hi Riddy!"

"Hi Sam. Why did you put your sandwich on your head?"

"I don't want it."

"But why did you put it on your head?"

"I don't want it!"

"Fine! Don't eat it! I don't care!"


Riddick grabbed another rag out of the drawer and briefly dampened it with water before he attacked Sam's peanut butter covered hair. He was so tired he didn't even care if he got it all or not.

When the job was finally done, he pulled out her chair and she climbed down. Like a shot she was gone, and he sank down into the computer chair, exhausted.

All seemed to go well for a while. Riddick managed to get online and check his email. He even caught Ardath in chat and they had a lovely time chatting. It was during this lovely chat that Riddick realized Sam was being very quiet. Too quiet. Spooky quiet. The kind of quiet that usually signaled a no good merc. He jumped up to investigate.

The sound of something being sprinkled on Sam's play table was the first thing he noticed as he moved down the hall towards the baby's room. But he still wasn't prepared for the sight.

"Hi Riddy!"

Riddick groaned and ran both his hands over his shaved head in frustration. There sat Sam, in the middle of her room, surrounded by what looked like an entire bag of kitty litter. She had dumped it on the carpet.

"Sam. Go in the living room. Do not pass go. Do not collect two hundred dollars. You are going to baby jail as soon as I can find a merc to take you there." His voice was deadly serious. His growl sent Sam's bottom lip into that dreaded tremble that had crippled him earlier. "Move!"

She scurried past him and into the living room. Her tears slid down her plump cheeks unchecked and Riddick didn't even flinch.

"Get in that chair and don't move. You move and you're mine! Don't mess with me, kid. You do not know who you are... ," he swallowed the curse and rephrased, "messing with."

He stomped angrily down the hallway and clicked on the vacuum once again. He muttered every four letter word her could think of under his breath, his anger a tangible thing. "Never again. CC can drag the brat with her. Hell, I'd rather piss glass than babysit this kid again!"

Finally the clean up was done and a quick glance at the clock told him it was nine o'clock and Sam's bedtime. She marched like a good little soldier straight to her room when he simply said "Bedtime." She hadn't whimpered a bit when he lifted her and dropped her over the crib railing. Her kiss on his cheek had warmed his heart a bit. The soft "Nite Riddy. Love you!" had nearly done him in and he closed the door to her room relieved that the hard part of the job was over.

At a quarter of ten he was arguing with Ardath over the torture she was giving him in an rp when he heard Sam's voice softly singing. He typed the normal BRB and went to check on her.

He paused in the hallway and listened to the familiar if somewhat twisted refrain.

"Tinkle tinkle wittle star. How I onder whut you are."

'Tinkle tinkle wittle star... yeah, tinkling stars are all I need to make this night absolutely perfect!' the ex-con thought as he longed for the peace and quiet of Slam City.

When he opened the door and flipped on the light, Sam instantly dropped down and pretended to be asleep.

"Sleep, kid. Don't take the chance I'll get shiv happy on your diapered butt!"

He shut the door with a resounding click and marched back to the computer. He said his goodbyes and disconnected from the net. His hand snatched up the phone and placed a call to the only person he could think of.

At ten thirty pm a loud knock echoed in the house and Riddick ran to the door, his car keys in hand.

"She's in the bed still singing, Letty. Tell CC I'm sorry about the carpet, the kitty litter, and the walls but I did the best I could. I hope the laundry in the hall was dirty cause if not it is now. Oh, and tell her that Riddick's dead. He died somewhere in this house."

Letty watched in disbelief as the escaped convict and murderer ran out of the house and up the drive way.

"No problem, Riddick. Jeez. How much trouble could one kid be?"