Death by Paint Can

by CCL

This story was written as part of the AoVD Lyric Wheel Project. The theme for the wheel was "First Times." Lyrics were provided by Ms. Mephisto.

Summary: Mia contemplates murder. And in case it isn't obvious, the first time in this story... is the boys trying to repair a hole in Mia's kitchen. It's also Mia's first time for seriously wanting to kill these guys. But read on for more info.

Author's Notes: This is a true story. (::sings:: True Story!) No, this isn't the real world people; don't change the station just yet. But this story came about when I was trying to think of a cool idea for my lyric wheel with the lyrics Ms. M gave me, and my husband picked THAT MOMENT to start demolishing, not only my kitchen, but my computer desk as well! I was talking to Mi and Jules and well…you can figure out the rest! LOL!

WARNING! Do NOT eat, drink, smoke, or operate heavy machinery while reading this fic. My advice? Print it and lock yourself in a padded room so it won't hurt so much when you roll around on the floor laughing. At least, I hope you'll laugh!

The afternoon heat was positively agonizing. As Mia collected the bags of groceries from her car and approached the house, she was extremely grateful that it was Friday and she wouldn't have to work at the diner tomorrow. She could spend the whole day just relaxing in a cool bath, staving off the heat further with a large fan to circulate the air in the bathroom. The thought brought a smile to her face as she climbed the steps into the house.

The sight in the living room, however, stopped her dead in her tracks.

The main room of the house she shared with her brother and his street racing teammates was cluttered with the entire contents of her kitchen and cabinets. Cereal boxes were stacked next to clusters of pots and pans. The microwave was perched precariously on the sofa while the coffee pot, toaster and some left over pie took up residence on the coffee table.

"Well at least those two go together," she mumbled as she noted that whoever had done the moving hadn't bothered to empty the pot itself.

The sound of voices drew her further into the house and she carefully juggled her bags as she sidestepped stacks of dishes, both clean and dirty, blocking the main pathway to the kitchen.

"It would be faster to just cut in the entire room!"

"Vince, I'm sorry brother, but it will look better if we just go ahead and take the time to tape off the trim and the windows. You know she's gonna flip as it is! If we get paint all over the molding and glass, Mia's gonna kill us."

"Yeah, and if we don't hurry up and finish and put the house back together she's gonna kill us anyway! Besides, it's not like you've done this before! At least I've had some experience with holes in walls before."

"Uh, Vince? Punching holes in walls does not make you an expert in repairing said holes," Jesse offered.

"Butt out, man! Just be grateful I didn't tape your mouth shut too!"

Mia's brow furrowed at the raised voices of her brother and Vince, hurrying her pace in an attempt to get to the kitchen faster and see what the discussion was all about. Once she got there, she desperately wished she hadn't rushed.

Vince, Leon, Jesse and Dom stood in various locations around the tiny kitchen. Their jeans and shirts covered in white splotches that Mia could only speculate was paint. The reason for the cluttered living room became obvious. There was no room in her once orderly kitchen for all that stuff as her eyes took in the fact that the cabinets had been taken off the walls, the countertops covered haphazardly in drop cloths and endless blobs of uneven white goo was smeared on the walls in what looked like a random pattern. Her mouth opened but no sound escaped as she dropped the bags to the floor with a loud WHUMP! and forced her way into the center of the group. Disbelieving eyes drank in the badly patched holes all around the room and tentatively she ran a hand over one, wincing and the rough, uneven texture. The male voices in the room quickly grew silent as the boys exchanged looks of "What do we do now?"

"Umm..hi, Mia! How was your day?" came Jesse's nervous squeak. Further inspection showed that he had been taped to a chair and was unable to move. Mia arched a brow and turned to glare at each guy individually, placing her hands on her hips for further emphasis when she rounded on her brother. Jesse's simple question was followed with a muttered "Oww!" from the hyperactive boy when Vince smacked him a little harder than necessary at the stupid question. This brought Mia's attention back to Jesse and she stepped closer, crossing her arms in the process.

"Well, it was fine, Jesse. Thanks for asking. Now, can somebody tell me what the hell happened to my kitchen?"

The young blonde hung his head and began to bounce and fidget as best he could in his position so Mia turned her gaze to Leon.

"Leon? You gonna tell me what's going on?"

He paused mid-chew on his bite of apple and darted his eyes to Vince and Dom before looking back at Mia and shrugging slightly.

"Ummm…nothing?"

Mia smiled and nodded.

"Uh huh. And I'm Miss America! Now…I'm sure there is no need for bloodshed here. There is a rational explanation as to why the house looks like the kitchen did a reverse black hole maneuver." She began to slowly rotate in the center of the circle again, keeping her smile in place but lowering her voice to convey her seriousness. "Now, you guys are going to tell me why four brilliant mechanics suddenly decided that they were carpenters and embarked on this…this…whatever this is, without telling me." As she ended her little speech she made a sweeping gesture around the room, still reeling from the ungodly mess that Mia was certain she was going to be stuck cleaning up.

All of the guys began to fidget after that. Dom cleared his throat repeatedly and didn't meet her gaze. Vince shifted the trowel in his hands back and forth never looking up from a particulary fascinating spot on the floor and Jesse decided to shuffle his feet, making the rotating desk chair spin in slow circles. When Mia began to tap her foot impatiently, Leon bit the bullet and stepped forward.

"Well see, Mia, it all started right before lunch. And see, Dom and Vince were fighting over the last beer in the fridge…"

He shuffled his feet and looked at Jesse, who suddenly chimed in to help tell the story as Mia held a forced smile on her face and nodded.

"So uh, me and Leon suggested that they wrestle for it. You know, to see who should have it. Best man wins and all that."

Leon stepped back when he caught Mia's narrowed eyes and moved closer to Jesse and Vince. His voice was a bit hushed when he spoke again.

"But we kinda didn't think about going outside to do it. We just didn't think it would get that outta hand. And then Dom ended up slamming Vince into the wall," shoving Jesse's chair to the side to show Mia the enormous hole that they had tried vainly to fill in and patch. "And we thought since we put it there, that maybe if we could fix it before you came home, well, that maybe you wouldn't be so mad or anything."

Mia listened patiently, pursing her lips and taking in deep, slow breaths. Her eyebrows knitted together as her facial features with through a wide assortment of exercises, twisting her face into various expressions before the resounding silence was shattered.

"I can't believe you did this!! Have you all lost your minds?? No, of course not. You never had a mind if 'Wrestling For Beer' sounded like a good idea! And now look! Just look!!"

The boys stared wide-eyed as Mia stomped around the kitchen, yelling at the top of her lungs and becoming flushed with each heated word she spoke. She moved aimlessly around the room, picking up tools, wiping at spills and drips, grabbing small pieces of crumbling sheetrock off the counters and throwing them at the men in disgust. Leon, Vince and Dom were able to duck the flying plaster but poor Jesse got smacked between the eyes with one particularly good shot and even though he grimaced and "Owwed!" again, Mia's temper was still boiling over at the mess.

"Mia? Hey, look calm down, okay? It's all right! We're fixing it up for you! Don't breathe like that. Mia? Listen, you're going to hyperventilate. Stop breathing like that. Mia?"

Again Leon braved the angry female, stepping closer to pat her shoulders and rub her back. His words became more nervous as she continued to glare and take those loud deep breaths. When it looked like he was ready to flee the scene with the rest of the guys, Mia forced a smile and took a last calming breath. She was going to need to be calm to deal with this.

"Leon, I'm not going to hyperventilate. Really. I'm fine guys. Besides, I'll need to be coherent to plan your slow, painful deaths. I wouldn't want to miss a single detail."

Now the statement would have been funny, and the guys even started to chuckle to themselves, obviously thinking that they were going to be let off the hook with just a thorough ass chewing. But the laughter died quickly when Mia's voice dropped to deadly tones and her gaze harden in a serious, no-nonsense stare.

"Mia--," Dom began.

She jerked her hand up, effectively cutting off his statement. When she spoke her voice was quiet, meditative in its tone. Her gaze wandered around the room as she paced, thinking out loud as if the boys weren't even there.

"You know it would be really easy to just slip something into the coffee at the garage. That way I can avoid a lot of mess. I mean, all murders don't have to involve bloodshed after all."

Vince gave Dom a worried look. His eyes cut back and forth between brother and sister before he lifted his hand to his head and began to make the 'She's gone insane' gesture and pointing at Mia. Dom simply shrugged and edged a little closer towards the back door. After all, it was always good to have an escape route.

Mia paused in her pacing and frowned. Unconsciously the boys leaned forward slightly, curious as to why she'd gone quiet for a minute and they all nearly jumped out of their skins when she launched back into her monologue.

"And if I get away with that, then I'll have a taste for it." She glanced over at Leon and Jesse, who shrank back at her twinkling look and smiling face. "Success only makes you want to try stuff that's more difficult. And since you all don't drink coffee, I'll have to come up with something to maybe kill off two or three of you at once."

When the back door slammed, it echoed in the demolished room like a gunshot and all four guys yelp and jump back further away from Mia, ready to hit the deck in case she managed to somehow arm herself and they missed the gun. Thankfully, it was just Letty coming back to check on their progress.

"So. I guess you didn't get it finished and cleaned up before she got home, huh? Hmmm, too bad. I told you that you should have just told her about it and hired somebody. How long has she been yelling?"

The shorter girl seemed unfazed by Mia's disbelieving look and coolly pulled her sunglasses down her nose when Mia spun her around so that the two women's gazes locked.

"Letty, are you telling me you knew about this?" Mia asked in her most calm tone of voice.

A nod and a shrug as Letty replied, "Yeah, I was the referee. But I told them to just come clean and take it like men. Guess they didn't take my advice."

"I see. Well you know what this means?"

The boys crowded closer together and this time moved towards the back door as a group, their eyes silently bidding Letty a fond farewell and an 'It was nice knowing you, Letty.'

Letty was oblivious and crossed her arms over her chest as she stuck out a hip and shot Mia a confused look.

"Uh no, Mia. Why don't you tell me?"

The smile was back, eerie and unsettling and sending shivers over five bodies in the room.

"It means that I'm going to get lots of practice bumping off every member of the family. Cuz, well you know, murder is like anything else. It's terribly addictive. And hey, we all gotta have a hobby right?"

Her voice was cheerful. Happy even. She didn't sound angry. Then again, she also didn't sound sane. Shared looks passed around the room and they all nodded at Mia who positively glowed back at them before continuing to dialogue with herself. It was official. Mia had totally flipped.

"Who knows? I might figure out how to commit the perfect crime! And my conscience probably won't be bothering me, cuz, I mean, well look at what you did to the house! You deserve it!"

Now ordinarily Mia had a lovely laugh. But somehow at that moment it sounded more like Vincent Price at the end of the Thriller video. It was not reassuring.

"I can see me perfecting my technique on each and every one of you. If you're gonna do something, do it right! Be the best. Isn't that what you always said DOM???" as she pinned him to the wall with a glare. The larger man cowered from his tiny sister and she looked down to see a large butcher knife in her hand pointed directly at him. With a sheepish grin, she stepped back and began to spin the lethal weapon between the tip of one finger and the palm of the other hand as she shrugged and smiled almost manically.

"Now, the question is. What would be the most poetic way to kill you?"

Her eyes looked up at the ceiling thoughtfully but she frowned, taking in the battered panels where the cabinets seemed to have be wrenched down and again patched with a less than expert touch. With a sigh she looked away, her eyes landing on a stack of videos and she carefully set the knife aside walking past the stunned team to pick up one box in particular and grin.

"You know what? I just thought of something! Some people have made this their career. Like that guy from the movie the other night. Riddick? I wonder if I could find somebody like him to kill you all. That way I wouldn't have to lift a finger!"

By this point the team was getting worried. Mia had never gone off the deep end quite like this. Sure, she'd yelled at them, screamed, even thrown things from time to time. And it probably wouldn't have been so scary if she didn't seem so damn calm! But the group was at a loss. Anytime one of them opened their mouths to speak, Mia would simply shake her head and lift a finger to her lips in a shushing gesture. Her sweet smile curved into a grin that the Joker would envy. It was beyond unsettling.

Finally Dom regained his courage and laughed, crossing the room to his baby sister and hugging her tightly. He tilted her head affectionately and smoothed her long brown hair from her face.

"Come on, Mia. Look, I know you're upset but joking aside, okay? We'll fix the mess and repaint the kitchen. You'll have everything back like it was before the end of the weekend, I promise."

When she gave him a disbelieving look, Dom stepped back, holding her at arms length and furrowing his brow.

"But Dom, who's joking? I'm looking forward to joining the ranks of the other illustrious mass murderers like Manson. And I really think that beating you all to death with the paint cans is the most poetic and reasonable way to do that, don't you? They can call me the 'Picasso Murderess' and I can take my place in the dark hall of fame known as prison."

She was far too happy about this idea. Mouths dropped open and everyone blinked in stunned silence. Mia could see the 'Where was the number for the mental heath place again?' question bouncing in their heads and only grinned more, patting her brother's face for emphasis.

"Mia, that's not funny," came Dom's deep growl.

"And I'm not laughing, Dom." She bounced slightly before spinning on her heel and heading towards the front door. Only Letty seemed to have the presence of mind to voice the question they all looked to be sharing.

"Hey Mia? Where are you going? To hire some contract killers?"

With Mia leaving the room, everyone seemed to be relaxing, feeling confident that the ordeal was over and the case was closed. That's why Mia's next words chilled them to the bone. They just weren't expecting it.

"No, I'm going to the music store. If memory serves, I believe Sting wrote a very informative song on the subject," and she strolled out of the house singing just loud enough for them all to hear…

"Cuz it's murder by numbers, one two three. It's as easy to learn as your ABC's..."

Okay so it's not my best work, but trust me when I tell you, those lyrics gave me some pretty good ideas about what to do with my husband. Maybe that's why he went away for the weekend. You think? ::grins wickedly and hums to herself::

The Song

Murder By Numbers
Performed by The Police

Once that you've decided on a killing
First you make a stone of your heart
And if you find that your hands are still willing
Then you can turn a murder into art

There really isn't any need for bloodshed
You just do it with a little more finesse
If you can slip a tablet into someone's coffee
Then it avoids an awful lot of mess

It's murder by numbers one two three
It's as easy to learn as your A B C
Murder by numbers one two three
It's as easy to learn as your A B C

Now if you have a taste for this experience
And you're flushed with your very first success
Then you must try a twosome or a threesome
And you'll find your conscience bothers you much less

Because murder is like anything you take to
It's a habit-forming need for more and more
You can bump off every member of your family
And anybody else you find a bore

Because it's murder by numbers one two three
It's as easy to learn as your A B C
Murder by numbers one two three
It's as easy to learn as your A B C

Now you can join the ranks of the illustrious
In history's great dark hall of fame
All our greatest killers were industrious
At least the ones that we all know by name

But you can reach the top of your profession
If you become the leader of the land
For murder is the sport of the elected
And you don't need to lift a finger of your hand

Because it's murder by numbers one two three
It's as easy to learn as your A B C
Murder by numbers one two three
It's as easy to learn as your A B C D E...

One two three

A B C

Murder by numbers one two three
It's as easy to learn as your A B C
Murder by numbers one two three
It's as easy to learn as your A B C D E...